The Personal and the Internet

My initial idea was for this blog to be an exploration of feminism and queerness. There is so much to say on both topics. There is so much in the media, and there is so much left out of the media. But, right now, I am struggling with how to approach these topics in a public forum.

As soon as I start examining queerness (and to a lesser extent, feminism), I relate it to the personal. Now don’t get me wrong, this is one of things I love about blogs. They meld facts with experiences, news with anecdotes. In blogs I can read about an individual’s journeys, while also exploring theories. Mr. Sexsmith’s Sugarbutch Chronicles does this amazingly.

I want to be that amazing. However, there are three things holding me back.

First, I’m not convinced that I can do this effectively. Back in the day, I had a Live Journal, a Dead Journal, and a Free Open Diary. Even when my entries started off intelligently, they devolved into the self-absorbed ramblings of an emotional teenager. I’d like to think I’m a bit more level-headed these days, but I can’t be too sure.

On the next level, I’m apprehensive because the things that are most on my mind are the hardest for me to talk about. As I explore queerness, it inevitable leads to sexual orientation, and sexual desire, and what I want and need and desire (and then back to how this is queer). It’s exciting as I become more aware of my desires, but it’s also scary. There is this underlying fear of being judged, and I know I will be by some people. I can talk about things with certain friends, but not others. And this realm is only the second thing I absolutely cannot discuss with my mother. I know I need to talk and write and explore, and this could be a good place to do that. But, it’s still scary.

Finally, I am worried about privacy. In this day and age, most privacy is dead. I know I can protect the identities of friends and acquaintances through pseudonyms or fictionalized accounts. Of course, I’d ask before I posted anything too revealing about anyone else. I’m more concerned about managing my online identities. The simple fact is, I work with children. Anything I do or say could be used against me. I feel like it’s one thing if I blog about feminism in the news, but it’s another to explore issues with my own queer identity. I’m about to edit my “101” and provide less identifying details. Maybe change my “author” name to something even less identifiable. But other than that, the more personal I get, the more theoretical risk I’m taking. (It’s better than it used to be, sexual orientation and gender expression just became protected statuses in my workplace, although I’m not sure when these changes take effect.)

In case you can’t tell, I’m still working on my conclusion to this. Supportive comments or suggestion on how you meld the personal into your blogging would be appreciated.

    • Jenny
    • January 1st, 2010

    I found your blog through Essin’ Em’s. I’ve enjoyed reading the tidbits of news and yourself that you’ve put online.

    I understand your worry over not having something intelligent/important/moving/whatever enough to say. That’s the exact reason why I don’t blog, even though I consider myself to be a fair writer. However, I think blogging should be done for yourself first. As you develop and mature as a blogger, then your audience will play more of a key role. It’s that way with any form of self-expression.

    As far as being concerned about the fact that you work with children and privacy issues – COMPLETELY VALID! The world is a big, bad, scary place at times with people who can and will use whatever they can against you just for the sake of doing it. It’s unfortunate, really. The only real way to protect your identity is to make it as unclear as possible, and be wise about who you give your URL to. Beyond that, it’s fairly well out of your hands.

    Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in whichever way you decide to go. I enjoy reading your blog for the variety it offers. And please never forget that though there will always be people who will judge you, you should always be as true to yourself as you can – it’s the highest form of self-love!

    • esexploration
    • February 8th, 2010

    Hello. I believe we have similar agendas in our blogs. I just started mine and I am planning on focusing specifically on sexual exploration. For that reason I have decided to keep my blogs completely separate from my everyday life (yes that means not telling my friends).

    I too am facing the same thoughts in anticipation of blogging. In middle and high school I was a wiz on my xanga, but with the ebbing of surging hormones, Inow feel my writing is so much less passionate that it was without even trying.

    In any case, I wish you luck. Check out my page in the next few days after I have time to blog. As a fellow queer feminist, we seem to have a lot in common.

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